Allow Me to be Vulnerable for a Quick Second

You know that feeling when you want something so badly and you feel it might never happen?

Yeah - I'm tired of that feeling.

All I have wanted all my life{save a brief desire to be an obstetrician} is to be a wife and mom. I have the best mom in the world{don't debate me; i will win} and ever since I can remember I wanted to be her.

I didn't go to high school with the desire to pick any major for college. I wasn't one of those girls who wanted to go to college at all, but alas high school graduation came and I was without a husband and any prospects for one. So, I picked a major. Seven of them to be exact; one right after the other. I couldn't decide because the truth is that I didn't want to be any of them.

All along the way I kept telling myself that everything would be ok; that I would get married by the time I was 21. Then it was 23, then 25 and well...you get the point.  I'm 26 and I've suddenly realized that I can't keep telling myself that I will get married by a certain time because the truth is: I don't know that to be true.

A couple of weeks ago I was at a function for Evan's school and a friend of my mom's was talking to me about finding "the one." I really hate this kind of conversation. All of the sudden she blurted out, "Well my sister didn't get married until she was 38." 
So not what a 26 year old whose sole goal in life is to be a wife and mother wanted to hear. So. Not. But you know what? That's when I came to the realization. I've got to stop putting a timeline on my life. I've got to stop thinking that I'm the one with the plans here because quite frankly, I'm not. If I was I'd be married with 3 children and living in the suburbs baking cookies for the school bake sale and acting as room mom and PTA president.

At the same time I know that there's a very specific reason why I'm not married with children yet. And every once in a while when I have an attack of exceptional maturity I can catch a glimpse of those reasons. That doesn't make it any less easy, though. It becomes evident to me when I realize how far everyone else's lives have gone and I feel like mine has gone nowhere.


Just yesterday was Cinco de Mayo and I was all excited to go get some Mexican food. Until I couldn't find anyone to get Mexican food with. Every one of my friends was either not eating Mexican, eating it with their boyfriend, fiance or husband and here I was alone and no Mexican. It seems silly, especially to you marrieds out there, but to me all I could think was "if I was married, I would be eating Mexican right now..." but in truth, it wasn't about the Mexican. I could have replaced Mexican with almost any other scenario - Mexican food just had to take one for the team because it just happened to be Cinco de Mayo.


 It was about the fact that sometimes I feel so alone I can't even stand it. I feel like nobody is there and nobody understands that sometimes a girl just wants someone to eat Mexican with. Or go see a movie with. Or to lie next to at night. Someone to listen when you have had a frustrating day or hold you when all you want to do is cry. Somebody who wants to eat dinner that you cook and fight over the television program at night. Someone who wants the same thing you want and will always be on your side no matter what the case.


Like I said, I know that there is a reason that I'm still single. But while I know that a reason exists, it doesn't make the waiting{or accepting} any less difficult.


I do know one thing, though. When{if} I do get married, I'm adding something to the marriage vows. My husband will be vowing to always eat Mexican on Cinco de Mayo with me!